This is the most common question asked when we Google the first four words: “Why does my spouse…? It is a very intriguing question, but it needs clarification if it is to be answered adequately. Asking the question, “why does my spouse hate me” does not mean the same thing as “why does my spouse not love me anymore?” Hate does not mean an absence of love. An absence of love means a lack of caring. Hatred is exactly the opposite. Hatred means an extreme amount of caring. Love also means a lot of caring. That is because love is included in hatred. In other words, we don’t hate those we don’t love.
So how does hate differ from love? It would seem that hate is love with something else added. What?
Anger. When a child screams out to a parent, “I hate you!” it is always because they are angry. Is it the same with adults? It seems to be.
So, our spouse has love with anger for us. Why are they angry? Why is anyone ever angry?
Universally, we are angry because our expectations, or at least our hopes, are not met.
Is that all there is to it? Yes, but that is only the beginning. What expectation(s) does our spouse have that we are not fulfilling? What are we doing or not doing that elicits such anger in our best beloved?
This is a question with many answers, but one of the most common ones is our spouse expects us to be like them, to think like they think, to believe like they believe, to act like they would react, and to interact as they interact. (Or at least like they think they do those things) Before we start pointing our fingers at them and ask them why they want to squelch our individuality, we need to ask ourselves a vital question: Do I have the same expectations of my spouse as my spouse has of me? The answer is, probably.
Why don’t you be like me? How often have we thought that thought? How about, if you really cared about me, you would know what I want, and you wouldn’t have to ask. One more. You embarrass me, which translated means, if you could only be like I am, I would be fine with you.
It is quite easy to look at these phrases and apply them more to our spouse than to ourselves. I’m not like that. If my spouse could think like I do, he/she wouldn’t have a problem with all of this.
Oops. Look what we just wrote. We do not want our spouse to be like we are. We married our spouse because they are different from us. Let us celebrate, rather than denigrate those differences.
If we feel anger, even hatred continually coming from our spouse, it is a reason to rejoice. Our spouse cares for us. Yes that care feels negative, and it is hard to approach someone when they are perpetually angry at us, but it is crucial that we act while they are still caring for us. If we wait until our spouse is no longer angry at us to act, our spouse might well have given up, deciding that we could never change. At that point, it is quite possible that the relationship is beyond repair. Winning our beloved back from anger is one thing, but winning them back from apathy is quite a different matter. If we care about our relationship, we must act now, while the feeling is still there.
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