Why am I so angry when my spouse says, “I told you so.”

As little as a week ago, I had trouble with this issue. Fortunately for me, I started feeling troubled only a few minutes after I raised my voice in anger at my wife, not because she said those four magic words, but because she almost said them. I know, that sounds pathetic, but consider a moment before you browse somewhere else in disgust. Why was I angry? Why was my wife tempted to say it? Why is it such a temptation for anyone to say it?
Of course, if we say it in the right moments, it means we have won a discussion, have proven ourselves right. If we take satisfaction from such things, it is because we are in a competition. Are we? Unfortunately, the answer to that question is probably ‘yes.’ We are in a competition with our spouse. (Do not try to deny it until you fully consider. If being able to say “I told you so” to your spouse would give you satisfaction to any degree, it is because you are competing with him/her. The more satisfaction it would give you, the more the evidence that your spouse is competing back.)
Now, let me point out that rubbing it in, or taunting our opponent is a technical foul in basketball, and a fifteen yard, unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in football. Saying “I told you so” is a form of taunting, rubbing it in that we got the best of our spouse. It is not only immature, it is also a very poor way of keeping peace in the home.
But our reacting to it is equally immature. Note that in the football or basketball game, reacting to the taunting often is what garners the foul or the penalty.
Why are we so often in a competition with our spouse? Why does it hurt to feel taunting, even if it is done playfully?
The answer to that question is painful. It is because we are insecure.
“I’m not insecure!” you might say with some anger. Calm down, my friend. Most of us are insecure, though again, it is painful to admit.
“What do you think I am insecure about?” you might say, challengingly. In my case with my wife, I was afraid she was calling me stupid or ignorant. Notice that we become the most angry (and anger is only misplaced fear) when we are afraid they are right.
“Nonsense! I know I’m intelligent.” I’m sure you are, but that doesn’t stop you from worrying you might be stupid or ignorant, or careless or thoughtless, or most of all, insignificant to the point that nothing about you matters. It might be that you’re not afraid you’re stupid or insignificant, but you are afraid others might think you are.
The fact of the matter is, your spouse does not think you stupid, ignorant, thoughtless, careless or insignificant. It is because he or she believes just the opposite that he/she felt the need to say “I told you so.” Those words are his/her assertion that he/she is intelligent, knowledgeable, thoughtful, careful or significant him/herself, and proving it to you is important to him/her. Would anyone say “I told you so” to a child? No! It is because we know someone is not ignorant, careless or insignificant that we might be tempted to say it to them. Therefore, if your spouse says those words that have such inflammatory potential to you, it is actually his/her acknowledgment that you are a worthy opponent. It ends up being a very nice compliment. If you think before you say something angry in retort, you will appreciate it for what it is.