This is a very important question, one that we all need to answer. It seems to be a common, almost universal problem. We know how good it feels to be complimented. We know how our heart warms to someone that gives us a compliment. We know that complimenting someone else is one of the best ways of dissipating their anger. Why then are we so reluctant to give compliments to others? But before we answer that question, let us first of all ask ourselves this one: To whom are we the most reluctant to give compliments? Yes, as we think about it, we realize: We are most reluctant to give compliments to those closest to us—our spouses, our children and our siblings. The further separated from someone we are, the easier it is to compliment them.
Take a deep breath, and let’s get ready to look into ourselves again. What is it about those we love best that makes us the most hesitant to compliment them? Let’s start with the most common reason, and work our way out from there.
1. We are in competition with our loved one. What does that mean? It means we are keeping some kind of tally in our minds, and keep track of who has “won” any given encounter. Some people even keep score in this. Why do we do it? Because most of us are insecure. Why are we so insecure? There are many reasons for this, but one of the most common is that we don’t get complimented as much as we need or would like. This is also true for our loved one, no matter who they are. If we compliment them freely, it will help with their security, and helps them to be happy. Also if we compliment them, they feel more ‘safe’ in complimenting us. This implies that we make ourselves vulnerable when we compliment others. When we do it, they feel more willing to make themselves vulnerable and compliment us back. Making ourselves vulnerable to our loved one lowers the intensity of the competition. It is like putting your own weapon down—allowing your loved one to put down theirs as well. We feel a need to protect ourselves. Why do we feel the need to protect ourselves in the first place? Why would we place ourselves in a situation of competition with our loved ones, the ones we need to be allied with the most? Because we have felt that our loved one is not on our side. We often feel they are in direct opposition to us. We fear they will take the vulnerability we show and use it against us. Amazingly enough, they usually fear we will do the same thing to them. If we examine this fear, in what way could they actually use a compliment we paid them against us?
2. We are angry with them. For whatever reason we are angry, we have the least chance of complimenting someone when we are in that state. Why? “They don’t deserve it,” we think to ourselves. “I’m not going to give them something that’ll make them feel good, because they deserve to feel miserable.” The sad thing about this is, giving a good compliment (without the ‘slap’ at the end of it; “you did really well with that, but you shouldn’t have…”) is one of the best ways to stop the anger on their part. Surprisingly, it is really good for melting our anger as well.
3. We are envious. We don’t want to “give them a big head” when we envy whatever quality about them that is compliment worthy. This is particularly true when we wish we were more like them. This emotion is unworthy of us, though most of us have a degree of it. We have the unreasonable fear that giving a compliment is a form of self-betrayal, even though once more, it would make it more likely our loved one would compliment us back. Acknowledging someone else’s qualities or accomplishments doesn’t truly diminish us at all, unless one is keeping some sort of score.
What is the main thing that keeps us from giving compliments to our loved ones, especially when we know that compliments are an effective way of spreading love? It is pride. Not a good kind of pride that rejoices in the success of a child, sibling or spouse, but the kind of pride that looks inward, and sees how complimenting someone somehow makes it feel like we are lowering ourselves. Someone with pride is able to think only about advancing themselves, making a cocoon of success only about themselves, eventually isolating themselves from others and finding in the end, nothing but misery. Once you have more experience with complimenting, you notice that the fear of diminishing yourself isn’t the outcome. If anything, complimenting someone makes you feel stronger, and more magnanimous, One has to have riches in order to give them away. Get over whatever is stopping you from complimenting others, and give them credit for what they have accomplished and find yourself sowing seeds that will bring joy and closeness to all your relationships. Paradoxically, when this happens, you no longer care about getting compliments yourself.
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